True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
