my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Randomize
