Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
