Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
