My underwear smells like fireworks.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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