just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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