How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
