she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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