Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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