You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm getting married
To pizza
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
