I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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