if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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