i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
