Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
