Moan for me like Helen Keller
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
