It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
