the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
