So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
