I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
