i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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