I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
