I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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