I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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