OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
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