Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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