P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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