there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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