Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
