Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
