Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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