so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
