i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
