Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
