Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
