Need sex. Gaining weight.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
