Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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