im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
