Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
It's never too late to be topless.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
