did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
