You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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