so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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