Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Randomize
