TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
