My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
