I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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