Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
