you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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