if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
dude. I can hear the air.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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