my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
