when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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