Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
