R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
